Weather today in the greater Cincinnati area.
I love you so badly.
They're solid plastic, so don't settle for imitation.
But the senator, while insisting he was not intoxicated, could not explain his nudity.
Baby, if you've ever wondered
And wondered what ever became of me
I'm living on the air in Cincinnati
In Cincinnati WKRP
Got kinda kinda packin' and unpackin'
Town to town, up and down the dial
Baby, you and me were never meant to be
Just maybe think of me once in a while
I'm at WKRP in Cincinnati
Alright Cincinnati, this is Venus Flytrap here to brighten, tighten and enlighten your starlight hours.
So let the games begin.
Hi Venus.
Bailey, what are you doing here? Everybody's gone.
I'm working on a special project.
Andy wants to do a public service program.
Uh-huh.
And he's asking everybody for ideas, even me.
Hey, that's great.
And the meeting is tomorrow morning.
Oh, wow.
And I have come up with an idea that I really like.
I like it too.
You do?
Yeah, I think it's perfect. Way to go, Bailey.
But you haven't heard it.
Don't need to. Now, why don't you just mow the lawn home and rest up for tomorrow, huh?
Yeah, you're right.
Boy, this really means a lot to me, Venus.
Hear the coconut hurricanes, Venus sugar.
Hi.
Dig. Uh, Bailey, this is Mrs. Olsen. Yeah.
She's a friend of my mother's.
What?
This is Bailey. She works here, but she's got to go home now.
That's right. It's nice to meet you, Mrs. Olsen.
Good luck. Got Bailey tomorrow. Good night.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Um, who was that?
I told you, Roxanne, honey, she works here.
Uh-huh. And who is Mrs. Olsen?
Nobody. I'm not supposed to have a guest in the control room.
Well, I thought you told me you owned this radio station.
Dude.
Wait a minute, baby.
You can go and get your own coconut hurricanes from now on.
Now wait.
Uh, got my heart burning for love, children.
Well, good morning, Bailey.
Good morning, Andy. I'm a little early.
For what?
For the big public service meeting.
Public service? Not today?
Uh-huh.
Good morning. Are you supposed to have some sort of meeting today?
Public service meeting? Where's Herb?
Probably forgot.
Well, listen, okay, let's get started without him, I'll say.
Okay, Andy.
Good morning, everybody. Sorry I'm late unless I'm not.
Now, perhaps I should open this meeting with a few very good ideas of my own.
First, Andy, do you know what's wrong with public service?
Uh, no, Herb, no, no, I don't.
We don't make any money off of it.
Well, that's the whole idea, Herb. See, public service time is free time.
Can't we change that?
Of course not.
Well, then to hell with it.
Okay, listen, how about you, Les, you got any ideas?
I have a wonderful idea, Andy.
Once a week, on the air, live, I could read obituaries.
Uh, Les, I don't...
You haven't heard the best part yet, Andy.
They wouldn't only be local obituaries, I'd read them from all over the world.
And what do we call it? Les Nessman's Death Watch?
Ooh, that's good.
I think we're gonna have to table that idea for the time being, all right?
Bailey.
Yes?
How about you, you got an idea?
Yes, Andy, I do.
My idea is to do a 15-minute talk show once a week called Cincinnati Beat.
Boring.
What would make this show fresh and different is that we would talk to the average citizen who might not otherwise have a voice to the public.
It's been done.
It would also be an unusual show because Johnny would be doing the interviews.
That's nuts!
And I would produce it.
I beg your pardon?
I would produce it.
A little louder, Bailey.
I said I would produce it!
But you're just a rookie, Bailey.
Andy, this isn't the Ohio State Journalism School.
This is the big time.
Bailey!
Bailey! I like it.
Go talk to Johnny, all right?
Okay.
Hey, Johnny!
Yeah?
Should we talk with you just a second?
Sure.
Have we got a project to discuss with you?
It's a public service project.
Oh, come on, Johnny.
Look, man, I have enough trouble staying awake as it is.
Look, you and I both know all we ever run is forest fire response.
Now, we want to do something just a little bit different.
I'll bet.
We want to do an interview program with local citizens.
It could be anybody.
Right, and here's the punch.
We want you to do the interviewing.
What do you say about that, huh?
I don't do interviews.
That's in my contract.
You don't have a contract.
Well, if I had one, it would be in there.
Shouldn't I have a contract?
Come on, Johnny.
No, man, I'm not doing it.
I mean, those shows are so boring.
You don't even want to talk about it.
No.
Great.
Bailey's first chance to produce a show,
something that she has always dreamed about.
Of course, now that's no big deal to you.
It means everything to this young lady right here.
But that's all right.
Forget about it.
She'll get over it.
Oh, it'll take time.
Time eventually heals all wounds.
That is so low.
Are you going to do it or not?
Attention, concerned citizens.
Got a cause, got a gripe, got an interesting story to tell.
You want to make big money at home in your spare time
or you just want to be interviewed live on the air
by your very own Dr. Fever?
Well, call our veteran producer, Bailey Quarters,
at WKRP in Cincinnati.
That's Bailey Quarters.
Call today.
Our operators are standing by.
How's that?
Thanks, Johnny.
Hey, before you leave,
can either of you explain this?
It looks like a Hawaiian Tupperware party.
Hello, Mr. Carlson.
Hello, Jennifer.
Look, Jennifer, I'm going down to my club for lunch and a swim.
These people are here for...
Don't tell me.
I don't want to know.
I love surprises.
Excuse me, Jennifer.
Could I speak to you for a second?
Sure.
Jennifer, I have interviewed eight people so far,
and they all seem to be rather weird.
So?
So I'm in over my head.
I can't do this.
Sure you can.
No, I can't, Jennifer.
Look, Bailey, your ambition is to be a broadcast executive.
You told me that.
But I'm not good at interviewing strangers.
Get good at it.
This is your big chance.
Okay.
You're going to find a great guest.
Believe me, they can all be crazy.
Okay, Jennifer, send in the next one.
That's a girl.
Mr. Eisenhower?
You're next.
Okay, Jennifer, send in the next one.
How's it going, Bailey?
Hi, Venus.
How's Mrs. Olson?
Who?
Your mother's friend.
Oh, yeah.
She's fine.
Took the bus back on home.
How's it going?
Terrible.
Can I help?
I don't think so.
I'm Mrs. Woodruff.
Your receptionist sent me back.
Oh, how do you do, Mrs. Woodruff?
I'm Bailey Quarters, and this is Venus Flytrap, one of our DJs.
Hello.
Hi.
Have a seat.
Thank you.
Okay.
Now, Mrs. Woodruff, can you tell me briefly why you would like to be interviewed on our
show?
Yes.
I feel I have a certain responsibility to other earthlings.
People who live on earth?
Oh, right.
I'm sorry.
I think I'll split.
You see, my hatchback supreme broke down on a deserted stretch of highway.
Now that's when I saw the incredibly bright light in a field and felt myself compelled
to walk toward it.
I think I'll stay.
Before I knew it, I was surrounded by a group of strange people in gold lame suits.
That would either be the temptations of the Fortox.
Go on, Mrs. Woodruff.
Well, anyhow, to make a long internationally copyrighted story short, I was beamed aboard
their spaceship, what they call a Get Gone, and transported to Ha-cha-cha number three.
That's what you people call Mars.
Did this place have heavy metal screens on the windows?
Oh, yes.
Lucky guess.
Well, anyhow, I was held on number three for about two or three weeks before I gained the
confidence of Ernst, the divisional commander.
I guess it was just a matter of knowing the right people because Ernst got me transferred
to the Caves of Grin, which was minimum security.
Well, still is, I guess.
That was lucky.
Yes.
Anyhow, one day I'm just sitting around minding my own business when a Drell comes up, who's
obviously had one too many wowies to drink.
Well, I got his joy stopper away from him and shot him twice right through the knurl.
Then I made my way back to Cincinnati.
But you're okay now.
Oh, yes.
Well, except they're still after me.
Ernst wants our son back.
I can't really blame him.
Okay, Mrs. Woodruff, I think that's all I need to know right now.
I'll be in touch.
Oh, here's my telephone number.
It's unlisted, naturally.
Are all your interviews like that?
Yes.
Look, don't worry.
The next one comes to that door is going to be great.
Trust me.
Hi.
Speaking of drills.
Having troubles, Miss Producer?
No.
Everything's just fine.
Come on now.
I've been watching these nuts come and go.
Things are busy.
Okay.
But I know the perfect guest.
You do?
Sure.
I mean, not only is this person charming, dynamic, but fairly eloquent to boot.
Who?
Me.
What's so funny?
I'm sorry, but I don't think it would be quite right for the first show.
Maybe later on.
I'm trying to help you out and you're laughing at me.
But Herb, you are always trying to get on the air.
That's not true.
Besides, what do you know about producing a show anyway?
Excuse me.
Is Andy around?
Here's the man who should be in charge of this operation.
Who?
What?
Where?
Les should be in charge.
When?
Why?
See, he's a journalist.
He has his ear on the pulse of the nation.
What's this all about, Herb?
I mean, this man knows the ins and outs.
He has his nose to the ground.
What's happening?
Come on, Les.
Andy's really blown at this time.
Let's go tell the big guy and put an end to this right now.
What's this all about, Herb?
What?
We got a problem, big guy.
Well, solve it.
Go get Travis.
Travis caused the problem.
Well, Herb, take this and go stand over in the corner.
Les, you take this.
Stand right over there.
And hold on to that, Lur.
Don't let it out of your hand.
Big guy, Bailey's messing up the interview show.
What interview show?
Les has much more experience than Bailey.
Who's Bailey?
Bailey's producing the interview show that Les should be producing
and I should be his first guest.
Herb.
What did you say to upset Bailey?
Nothing.
Travis, I want you to pull this Bailey guy out of that new show.
What?
He's not doing a good job.
Well, who told you that?
Les.
Come on, Les.
He's going to do a good job on this thing.
I really don't know what's going on, Andy.
Well, then it must be Herb.
Herb, what did you say to make Bailey cry?
Bailey's crying?
Yeah, right now in my office.
Well, we can't have that.
You're going to have to tell this man to pull himself together.
Mr. Carlson, look, Bailey can get the job done.
Oh, okay.
Well, then Bailey stays.
Everybody else out, okay?
I've got a lot of work to do.
Thank you, Mr. Carlson.
Oh, and Herb, leave the girl alone.
Herb, you fooling around with Jennifer again?
Enough.
Just get out of here, will you?
I've got a station to run.
But, big guy, I don't want to hear any big guy.
Just get out.
Go, go.
I'm a busy man.
Les!
Yes?
Excuse me, Miss.
Are you all right?
Yes.
No, I don't know.
I'm a doctor.
Can I help?
No.
Did somebody call for a doctor?
No.
I'm here to be interviewed for a show.
Really?
Are you Bailey Quartus?
Yes.
I'm Dr. Hyman Monroe.
I've just written a book on juvenile delinquency.
Oh, that's nice.
There are more interesting fields.
Oh, no, there's not either.
Well, is there anything you need to know about me?
I hold several degrees and I'm prepared to discuss innovative theories on child psychology.
That's wonderful.
Thank you.
Can you be here and ready to go on the air tomorrow at noon?
Noon tomorrow?
Yes, I can.
Oh, thank you, Doctor.
Thank you.
And are you sure you're all right?
I have never been better in my life.
Good.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Okay, thank you.
I did it.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Cincinnati Beat, the show that probes the psyche and the soul of Cincinnati, city of contrast.
I'm Dr. John Fever.
Our producer is Miss Bailey Orders.
And our guest today is Dr. Hyman Monroe, one of the people that makes this city tick.
Hi.
Perhaps I should call you Dr. Monroe.
Okay.
Dr. Monroe, you are an authority on juvenile delinquency.
That is correct, Dr. Fever.
What's wrong with these kids today, Doctor?
Oh, there are myriad answers to that complex question, Doctor.
I see.
However, I shall endeavor to explain in layman's terms all of the pertinent factors involved.
Fine.
I'll just get real comfortable, then.
First of all, I have here documented proof that the supramolecular structure of a child is markedly dissimilar to that of an adult.
Really?
Furthermore, it has been suggested, and not without credibility, I might add, that the temporal lobe of every child is under constant bombardment by synaptic nerve impulses.
You see what I'm getting at, Doctor?
Certainly I do, but perhaps you could explain to our audience.
Oh, sure.
Well, now, this is...
Can everybody see this?
This is radio, Doctor.
Well, what this chart shows is that the chromosomal infringement occurs in the early stages of meiosis, not later.
I repeat, not later.
That's wonderful.
Doctor, how do you tie this in with, say, stealing hubcaps?
Well, my studies establish, without a shadow of a doubt, that children are, by adult standards, insane.
And more than a little immature.
And that's bad.
Well, sure.
So what should we do about it?
Well, we should clean the little gutter snipes up.
So tell me, Doctor, where did you receive your degree?
In Long Beach, California, Doctor.
Long Beach State College.
Oh, no, no, no.
From a man at the Casa de Soma apartment.
He was Buddy or Junior or something like that.
No, it was Bubba.
Bubba Weinberger.
And Bubba knew that I knew all there was to know.
Bailey, where are you going?
I'm getting out of here.
You can't leave your shows on.
The show is a disaster.
No, it isn't.
It is, Jennifer. Listen.
Their feeding habits are disgusting.
The little babies are always dirty.
And what about shortness? How do you explain that?
Oh, I wouldn't want to be in your moccasins right now, young lady.
I think you're right.
Come on, let's see if the big guys are listening.
How can you let them talk to you like that?
I don't know. I'm just not very good at talking back.
Well, you should stand up for yourself.
Okay, who's responsible? That's all I want to know.
Bailey.
Well, that's it for him. He's out.
Listen, Carlson.
Not now, honey. I've got to get this nut off the air.
I'm getting out of here.
Bailey, stay and face up to this.
If you can't handle her, bless and the big guy,
who in this world can you handle?
You're right.
Okay.
Get him, Herb. Let me at him.
Hey, guy. Somebody put a record on this.
Why don't we pause now?
Look out!
This is not an attack.
Oh!
Jennifer, if you don't mind, I think I'm going to cry.
Bailey, women who want to be broadcast producers do not cry in public.
Then I'll cry in my car on the way home.
That's the way men do it.
They're crazy in there. They're just like children.
Bye, guys.
Jennifer, find that Bailey guy and send him into my office.
I'm Bailey.
What? You're a...
I'm the producer of Cincinnati Beat.
Oh, Bailey, you're really in trouble now.
Shut up, Herb.
Bailey, you can't talk to Herb like that.
You too, Les.
Now, wait just a minute, young lady.
I think the least you can do is give us a...
Carlson, I can explain this whole thing.
I want an explanation out of you, young man. I'll ask for it.
No. I'll explain it, Andy.
Mr. Carlson, I'm just starting out and I made a mistake.
But this show will get better if you let me continue.
Oh, gee, Bailey, I don't know.
Mr. Carlson, has everything you've ever done on this radio station always worked perfectly?
Well, not perfectly.
Hey, Ben, I deserve the same chance to be imperfect.
I'm just a shy person, that's all.
You don't seem too shy to me.
Oh. Well, Ben, can you and Andy and I go into your office and discuss this thing calmly?
Well, okay. That sounds like a good idea.
Isn't it, Travis?
Oh, that's fine with me.
Did I say send in the clowns, huh?
Sure.