It's your last chance of a living and your last chance to die.
It's your last chance of boozing when there's no one to buy.
It's your last chance of losing and the first place you find.
Four days' ride from the station, you're leaving at noon.
And your one consolation is the last chance of a living.
Well, Katie, my girl, five minutes should see the end of the man the Clamptons think is Doc Holiday.
Then I can start trading under another name.
What name would you fancy, Kate? Kate?
Gone back to the last chance saloon.
Why must women mangle?
With rings on their fingers and bells on...
Look, fellas, please.
I've sung this song four times already.
Can we try a different song?
What for, then?
The same one.
It's the last chance saloon.
It's your last chance of fearing.
It's your last chance of rye.
It's your last chance of living and...
Now, what's going on here?
Okay, now, boys, put them guns away.
Now, Charlie, you got yourself a new singer, maybe?
Why, no, Kate, it's just that these gentlemen...
Now, Charlie, am I a singer here or ain't I?
Well, you surely are, Kate.
Then get that guy away from my piano,
for we need a new barkeep real sudden.
You heard what she said. I reckon we'd better...
Go on, Dodo, get up, sir, and lock your door.
But I was enjoying playing.
Don't argue, kid, bam-oose.
Well, if that's the way you feel.
Are you coming, Stephen?
Yeah.
Now, hold on. Stay right there, mister.
This time, you play piano.
Me?
Yes. Let's take it from the top again.
Double tempo.
Well, thank you, and good night.
Dodo!
Oh, it's quite all right, Stephen. Don't mind me.
Just have a good time with your new friend.
Well, now, perhaps we can get a little action around here.
Yes.
Okay, mister, make with the piano.
Make with the piano.
So fill up your glasses and join in the song.
The law's right behind you and it won't take long.
So come, you coyotes, and howl at the moon
Till the blood upon the sword has been the last chance saloon.
Yeah!
You've a good chance of swinging, it's your last chance to hide.
It's your last chance of singing till you're numb.
Last try, it's your last chance of coughing at your heart and doom.
It's your last chance of nothing, it's the last chance alone.
Yeah!
Well played, Stephen, my boy. Well played.
Yes, and you too, my dear. Excellent.
I really no idea.
Thank you, doctor.
Neither did I.
Well, if it ain't a great doc.
Oh, you flatter me, young man, yes.
Reasonably accomplished, I would say, but not great.
You can say that again.
Oh, really? Why?
Oh, yes, of course.
We met a little while ago down at the dentist, didn't we?
Yes, and you so very kindly invited me to join you and your friends for a drink.
And our little talk.
Yes, quite so, quite so.
Well, I'm afraid I don't touch alcohol, but a little glass of milk and I should be only too delighted.
Won't you introduce me?
Yeah, yeah, give me a pleasure.
Doc, I would like you to meet the Clanton brothers.
The Clanton brothers. Oh, dear.
I mean, how do you do?
Recognize the name, doc?
Oh, yes, I do indeed, yes.
Stephen, don't you think it's time we were going?
And not just yet, doc, we haven't had our little talk about Brother Reuben, the late Brother Reuben.
Oh, yes, I know, yes, sometimes after a bereavement it's very difficult to find exactly the right kind of words.
The right words, eh?
Doc, the boys don't want, they don't want words, they want action.
Oh, indeed, yes, yes, yes.
Well, if you take my advice, sir, I would leave it in the hands of the right people.
When the right people happen to be your friend, Wyatt Earp.
He's not my friend, no.
I would rather call him a casual traveling acquaintance.
Well, that ain't the way I heard it.
Nor me.
Nor me, we heard you and him were close and fleas on a porcupine.
Wyatt Earp and Doc Holliday.
The bottle puncher lawman and the good-for-nothing drunken gambler.
Steady, boy. Let Seth handle this.
Wait a moment, I think I can begin to see your mistake.
It's your mistake that we're interested in, doc.
But I am not the doc. The man you're looking for is the local dentist, yes.
He has a little shop here along the street.
It seems to me that's where I found you.
Yes, well, I can explain that, you see.
And your gun's got his brand on it.
Well, yes, as a matter of fact, he lent it to me because...
Because what, doc?
Well, just until I leave the town, as it were.
You ain't leaving, doc.
Live, that is.
Excuse me, gentlemen, gentlemen, they must have made a horrible mistake.
Stephen, my boy...
One word, and your friend will regret hearing he gets hit.
Ah, for Pete's sake, doc, tell him you're Holiday.
You can take on all four of them any time.
Yes, I'm sorry, gentlemen, but this is Holiday's young girlfriend.
And she's only lying to protect him.
Now, as I've already told you about this gun...
Oh!
Okay, don't try it, fellas.
Nice shooting, doc, but you should have gone in between the eyes.
Between the who?
The eyes.
Oh, my dear young lady, I...
Kill the next one that moves.
Yes, yes, quite so, quite so. Very good idea. Excellent.
Well, you heard...
Stephen, get your guns!
I thought I heard a shot.
Quiet!
Now, you just get right back to your room, missy.
How do we proceed?
Line them up against the piano.
Yes, excellent idea.
Well, gentlemen, you will move over in an orderly fashion.
You too.
Well, that's all there is.
Just take it.
Now, get down here and get the lady.
Hey!
You won't get away with this, Holiday.
I keep telling you I'm not Holiday.
Well, what do we do now?
Well, doc, I reckon that's up to you now.
You should have killed me while you had a chance, doc,
because you're going to pay for this.
Indeed, indeed.
And may I point out that I still have the chance, sir?
Well, I don't have no gun!
Exactly! That's the whole point, isn't it?
My hearing, right?
If you ain't the lowest, meanest sidewinder...
Well, howdy, sinners.
I've been holding a prayer meeting where I'd be proud to join.
My dear, Marshall, I'm so glad to see you.
You know, I was trying to explain to these gentlemen...
Looks like you was explaining hand over your gun.
Why haven't I handled that kind of explaining around here?
Just ease it down, everybody.
You too, Kate.
Now, who did what?
Holiday!
We were just having ourselves a friendly discussion.
If he had a word, he'd have his line up here.
Yeah, he'd have shot us all down in cold blood.
Don't you listen to him, Marshall.
I saw the whole thing.
It was these guys.
Sure, boy. It must have been quite a sight.
Now, doc...
Now, wait a minute, Wyatt.
This guy ain't... Have you gone mad, Doc?
Oh, be quiet, bat.
Reckon I can figure clear enough what must have happened?
I'm sorry, friend. I'm going to have to take you in.
You're under arrest, Pop.
Under arrest? And don't you call me Pop.
You know very well who I am, sir.
Oh, I surely do, old friend.
I want to see my solicitor.
A what?
A night in the jailhouse is just about what you need.
Very well.
But I promise you, you will regret this, son.
All I hope is you know what you're doing, Wyatt.
Oh, I reckon I do.
Well, good night, sinners.
I'm sorry you're staying.
Our fair little Biden City has been so rudely disturbed.
Well, if that Joe feed off, I'd beg it.
He couldn't take us in, so he's got the doc out of trouble like always.
Yeah.
Hey, what about him?
Yeah, what about him?
How long are you proposing to keep me here?
Hardly no time at all, ma'am.
Just relax.
Oh, Kate.
So, that's where you're hiding, Doc Holliday?
Doc Holliday?
What's she doing here?
Ah, she saw me fire the gun.
Yeah, I guess that was you. That's why I come a-looking.
You should have killed the little rat.
That thought did occur to me, but I reckon that in the ensuing fracas,
you might get hurt as well as the old guy.
Sure. Real soft-hearted, ain't you?
Look, which old guy are you talking about?
Oh, a real nice old guy lady who came in to get a tooth fixed.
That must have been the doctor. What happened to him?
Wyatt Earp's arrested him.
Arrested?
Now, why would Wyatt do a thing like that?
Because Wyatt let him go on thinking the old guy was you, that's why.
I must go to the doctor. You've got to let me out of here.
If he's in the hands of Wyatt Earp, he could not be safer.
Well then, ladies, why don't all of you settle down to a nice game of chance?
Now, how come you got a hold of Holiday's gun?
I have already told you, my dear sheriff, he lent it to me.
Then why would Holiday do a fool thing like that?
Because he knew the Clantons was a-laying for him.
Yes, the most unscrupulous man.
Yeah, I think I'll go find him.
Ah, but I insist on coming with you.
Now, you'll stay right where you are.
Why, you've got four of the meanest characters in the territory believing you're Doc Holiday.
You take one step outside of this jail, friend, and you're a dead man.
You've had good chance of dying.
It's your last chance to hide.
There won't be no flying
till your last long ride.
Now, I don't care what Wyatt Earp said, that man's not Doc Holiday.
Well, he sure enough shoots like Doc Holiday.
He never fired that shot. They got no right to arrest him.
He's done nothing wrong.
You planning to get him out of jail?
What's so funny about that? I gotta get him out.
All you gotta do is gun down Earp and bat Masterson.
You are set to try that.
Of course not.
Well, I know if I can get him out of the jail, I can prove who he really is.
Now, wouldn't that be something?
Boys, what do you say we give Mr. Regret here a hand?
Yeah!
There's gamblers from Denver, there's guns from the South,
and many a cowboy with a dry, dry mouth.
There's a ragtime piano in a small back room
where you can get asleep after your troubles in the last chance saloon.
Okay, Doc, so you cleaned me out again.
I'm thirsty.
Kate, take a look down the bar, see if we still got company.
Doc!
Take a look, I say!
I'm sorry to speak sharp, Missy, but
I'm getting to feel almost as caged up here as you are.
Still there, still drinking.
Oh, well, I think maybe I'll take a little walk.
Oh, now, Doc, you promised there'd be no more trouble.
Now, you wouldn't want me to die of thirst, would you?
Oh, well, now, if that's all that's troubling you,
you left a bottle back in your office.
Why don't you just crawl back there and get it?
Now, that's all a man needs, a real, gentle, understanding woman.
I'll be back just as soon as you've finished breaking up my character.
Ain't it wonderful, honey, what a man'll do for what he truly believes in?
Now, where in thunder did I leave that bottle?
Right behind you, Doc.
Well, that ain't friendly, Wyatt, that ain't friendly at all.
Maybe not. Can't say as how I feel particularly well disposed towards you right now.
You're getting clumsy. Go on.
Do you mind if I turn this lamp up a little, make sure you haven't got a whole posse with you?
Well, now, what do you want?
Only thing I want from you, Doc, is to get out of town.
Now, where did I put that whiskey?
Where the hell should I get out of town?
I ain't done nothing against the law.
Not yet, Elaine.
When the Clantons finally wise up, Wyatt is going to be shooting, Doc.
And I can't keep an old guy locked up in jail forever, you know.
That's my dentist chair. That's dangerous, Wyatt.
How long can you keep it there?
Well, I'll release him soon as he told me the truth about you.
Tomorrow morning.
Now, you can ride out tonight and get yourself a head start.
But I only just keep town. I only just set up this business.
Well, it'll be here when you get back. I mean, don't worry.
This is just till this thing blows over.
Would you mind telling me what this is all about?
Yes.
Popeye, Clanton and his boys are running the biggest wrestling operation this territory's ever seen.
Pretty soon they'll be taking over the whole of Tombstone unless something's done to stop them.
Why don't you stop them, then?
Well, bettin' me can't handle it alone.
We'll stop them soon as my brothers get here.
Oh, looks like you could use an extra hand.
Well, uh, later maybe.
But in the meantime, Doc, just ride out.
Wyatt, have you been drinking my whiskey?
Ride out, Doc.
Else you'll be gillin' for me.
Come, Senna.
So this is the way we'll play it, McGraff.
You take this gun over to the jailhouse and sliver through the cell window to Harladeck.
And he says, open the door or I'll shoot.
Uh-huh.
And where do you guys come from?
Well, we wait outside the jailhouse in case anything goes wrong.
Yeah, so as we can prevent a misc... carriage of justice.
To welcome him back to society.
Not to gun him down.
No, no, no.
Why would we do a thing like that?
You say he ain't Harladeck.
Okay, he's got nothing to fear.
What do you say?
Sounds a pretty foolproof idea.
Well, it sure is because you know come morning they're gonna shoot him.
Yeah, to the county jail.
And what happens after I give him this?
You come back here and then we take over.
Yeah, we take over.
Yeah, I got the picture.
Okay, I'll see you in 20 minutes.
Yeah.
He's here one more every minute.
Holy boy.
I don't think he believed us.
Finn, you follow him and make certain him and his friend Harladeck don't run away.
Okay.
And, Billy, you get the rope.
Yeah.
With rings on their fingers and bells on their toes, the girls come to Tombstone in their high silk homes.
You really going to marry him?
Surely am, though over how many dead bodies I don't rightly know.
He's an outlaw.
Oh, honey, I've known them all in my time.
Jesse James, Billy the Kid, Johnny Ringo.
And I'm telling you, the Doc's the best of the bunch.
He's a real gentleman, just been a mild unlucky is all.
In what way?
Oh, was on the run, leastways, till he met up with Wyatt Earp.
Since then, he's usually managed to keep right side of the law.
That's why for the first time, I guess he's going to settle down.
Hey.
Seems you and I have to leave town before morning.
So go get packed.
Oh, but Doc, why?
Wyatt Earp is gunning for me, and you know that in my whole life I never killed a friend.
Oh, you're a real gentleman.
Go get packed.
Didn't I tell you, honey?
You've a good chance of dying.
It's your last chance to hide.
There won't be no flying till your last long ride.
Doctor.
Oh, Stephen, my boy.
Good gracious, I've been so worried about you. How's Dodo?
She's fine. She's locked in her hotel room, quite safe.
Look, I brought you this.
What on earth for?
Use it to bluff your way out.
The Clanton gang still think that you're Doc Holliday.
I'll be waiting for you outside. We must get back to the TARDIS.
Please, but my dear boy, I...
There's no time to argue, Doctor. We've only got ten minutes.
Now, good luck.
But Stephen.
Oh, good-finally, boy.
Ten minutes.
Mr. Weir. Oh, Mr. Weir.
I say, can you do that?
No.
And I wouldn't try it if I were you.
I have no intention of trying anything.
Only people keep giving me guns, and I do wish they wouldn't.
I wonder, would you mind looking after it for me?
My pleasure.
And who gave it to you?
Oh, that young friend of mine. You know, Stephen.
He's a rather impetuous sort of lad.
He said to meet him outside in ten minutes' time.
Oh, did he?
Well, I must go and have a word with him.
Oh, yes, I wish you would.
And would you kindly explain to him that I'm quite happy where I am for the moment?
And I say, Holliday's the meanest man that's ever polluted the fair name of the West.
And while he's around, there's going to be nothing but trouble and bludgeoning.
And the law, the law says, maybe he'll do a spell in jail.
Well, are we going to let Widerup get away with that?
No!
Then I say, let's go over to the jailhouse, get him out, and string him up from the nearest tree.
Yeah!
Did he do what, Mr. Andrewsburg?
Yeah. Mr. Reagret didn't seem too keen on seeing us again.
Caught him, got away from the saloon.
That was mighty unwise of you, mister.
Okay, boys, we'll tip.
Come on, now, what's the idea?
The idea is, Freddy, that if Holliday don't bust out of jail, we got us a hostage.
He's got to get out to stop you swinging in his place.
Come on!
Let's go!
Okay, Doc, I'm ready. Let's get going.
What about me?
Don't you worry, honey, I'll be returning you to your friends in the jailhouse before we leave.
Hey, Doc, take a look out here.
They've got Steven!
They got my operating chair. Wait here.
Hey, Doc, come back here!
Doc, you can't do nothing now!
Doc!
Just hold on there, friend.
Hey, Doc.
Hey.
Are you Doc Holliday?
That is my name.
Now you've done it.
And aim to continue.
If you're Doc Holliday, I wouldn't go out there.
The whole town's out to lynch you.
Yeah, I reckon he's right.
We'd better get out of town.
You saddle a couple of horses, Kate.
No, make it three.
Three?
You'll have to come with us, Missy.
But what about my friends?
They're safe with Wyatt. I can't take on the whole town on my own.
But you promised to take me back to them.
Our only hope is to get out of here alive. Now, will you get on?
Better come over here, Wyatt.
When was you going to break out of jail?
About now, Marshal.
Well, looky here, friend.
Somebody's fixing up a reception for you.
What?
Good gracious, it's Stevens with them!
Hey, get him!
Bring him back here!
Get him, boy!
Get him down!
Holliday, you still in there?
Get out of the street, Clanton.
Holliday's my prisoner.
Well, that's too bad, because if he ain't out of there in two minutes,
his friend Regret here is going to swing in his place.
You've a good chance of swinging.
It's your last chance to hide.
And your last chance of stinging
Till your last long line.
Woo!