I married Joan, what a girl, what a world, what a life.
Oh, I married Joan, what a mind, love and pride, what a wife to do.
He is gay all day, she keeps my heart laughing, never know where her brain has flown.
To eat his own, can he not ask why I married Joan?
The Joan Davis Show, I Married Joan, America's favorite comedy show.
Starring America's Queen of Comedy, Joan Davis, as Mrs. Joan Stevens.
And featuring Jim Backus, as Judge Bradley Stevens.
I married Joan.
I tell you Brad, not only as a district attorney, but as a man, it just makes me furious.
Thanks.
Here's this phony talent scout racket right under our noses and we can't do a thing about it.
But it's so obviously phony, you wouldn't think anybody would fall for it. Sugar?
No thanks.
Well, these two promoters prey on bored housewives and apparently it's a cinch to convince them they can become great actresses.
Then they string them along until they get some money out of them and then they disappear.
Still say a woman would have to be pretty foolish to fall for a racket like that.
Where do they find these bird brains?
Anywhere. They walk right up to them in department stores, supermarkets, drugstores.
And the sad part of it is that after a woman is hooked, she refuses to testify.
Yeah.
You know who I feel sorry for? The husbands.
Imagine being married to a woman foolish enough and gullible enough to fall for a thing like that.
Hold that pose. Don't move.
Have you ever seen anything like this, Joe?
There is only one way to describe this.
Sheer poetry.
What do you think, Joe?
We've come to the end of our search, Harry. We've found exactly what we've been looking for.
What's the matter, fellas? Did you lose something?
No, no, no.
Oh!
Joe, is this a doll?
What?
A living one?
I'm telling you.
At the counter?
Never dreamed.
Is this an angel?
A doll. A living doll. I tell you, Harry, you just can't get over it.
But imagine our being lucky enough to walk into a drugstore and find a dream like this.
Listen to me when I tell you, Harry, a star is born.
Madam, perhaps I'd better explain.
Me and my partner are talent agents from Hollywood.
It's our responsibility to find new personalities and make top flight actresses out of them overnight.
You are exactly what motion pictures need today.
But exactly.
Motion pictures need me?
Gosh, television must have hurt to movies more than I thought.
Lady, I have been a talent scout for 30 years, and when there's any talent around, I can see it.
He can see it.
It only took one look for me to see that you had that certain, that certain something.
Only one look.
It's hard to describe, but when you've got it, you've got it, and you've got it.
Oh, she's got it.
Oh, sure I've got it.
I got a whole drawer full, and I, I don't think I know what you're talking about, fellas.
It's a certain magic that happens only once in a generation.
Peter Barra had it.
Clara Bow had it.
Marilyn Monroe has it.
And you have it.
Let me be the first to congratulate you.
And let me be the second.
Sheba.
Come back, little Sheba.
I'm a little Sheba.
I just love Pepe music.
An Oscar?
For me?
Thank you.
Members of the Academy, I, I simply don't know how to thank you.
But of course I couldn't have done it alone.
I must thank the members of my crew, and also the members of the entire staff.
And my, no autographs, please.
Brad.
Oh, Brad!
I was wondering what your pan was doing in my pan.
Well, Joni, what's going on?
What was that act you were just doing?
Brad.
Look at me.
Sure.
Well, what do you see?
I see you, and I like it.
Is that all?
Are you blind?
Can't you tell that I have it?
What it?
It's it.
I'm going to be a big movie star like Marilyn Monroe and Esther Williams.
Joan, why don't you tell me the whole story?
Well, there really isn't very much to tell, Brad.
You see, I was sitting in this drugstore, and two men came over to me, and they just loved my face.
They couldn't get over it.
This is Joan.
I'm posting this.
Two men in a drugstore?
Wait a minute, Joan.
You mean that two men approached you in a drugstore and told you that you had great talent,
and they could make a great movie actress out of you?
Yes.
But how did you know, dear?
Oh, come on, Esther.
It's around.
How do you like that?
I'm starting to get famous already.
Joan, I'd better wash up for dinner.
Yes, dear.
But they just love my face.
This face, Brad.
They really do.
Oh, you darling.
Jim, look in that movie talent racket you were telling me about.
I found a woman who will be willing to testify.
You did?
Hey, that's great.
Just what we need.
Who is this sucker?
My wife.
Holy smokes, Brad.
I'm sorry.
It's nothing personal in what I said, you know?
I know.
But what do we do now?
Well, don't say a word to Joan.
Just let her go ahead with everything.
They'll audition her and tell her she needs a week's instruction,
and promise to give her a screen test at a major studio.
Then I'll give you some marked bills for her to give them.
That way we can catch these two fellas red-handed.
You know something, Harry?
I'm worried.
I don't think that Mrs. Stevens fell for it.
I think she's a little too smart.
What?
The only thing that worries me is whether she's got brains enough to find the place.
Come in.
Sorry I'm late, fellas.
I had a hard time finding the place.
Mrs. Stevens, even more beautiful than I remembered you.
Oh, thank you, Mr. Capper.
Really?
Now, shall we begin with your audition?
Audition?
Of course.
We must be absolutely sure that you have talent.
We can't afford to take a chance because millions of dollars are involved here.
Let's begin with the voice test, Joe.
The talent chart?
The talent chart at once.
Now, Mrs. Stevens, repeat after me.
How now, brown owl?
How now, brown...
Joe, did you hear that?
Did I hear it?
All the music of those tones, what timbre, what pitch!
Oh!
You passed your voice test with flying colors.
Voice test 100%.
Congratulations.
Oh, yes.
And now, Harry, it's time for the emotion test.
Are you ready, Mrs. Stevens?
I suppose so.
We start with anger.
You are in a situation where you are angry but positively furious.
Now, will you give us some anger?
Joe!
Oh, experience.
Joe, Joe, Joe.
Yes, I'm all right now, Mr. Dwight.
Give us some, Dwight, give us some.
Oh, the ticker, you know.
Oh, the goose bumps.
I would say anger 100%.
Now, Mrs. Stevens, you have heard something that's made you very happy, very happy.
You are absolutely ecstatic.
Now, may we have happiness?
Oh, just great, just great, Mrs. Stevens, just great.
Oh, my God.
Now, Mrs. Stevens, sadness.
Sadness.
Shall we continue now with sadness?
A great change.
Now, in this situation, you've had some bad news.
You're very sad.
Now, may we see sorrow?
Oh, boy, is she sad.
Oh, saddest yet.
Sadness 100%.
I guess I overdid a little.
No, no, no, just great.
Mrs. Stevens, I can't stand it.
You can do anything.
Oh, anything.
Now, Mrs. Stevens, may we see surprise?
Hate?
Fear?
Freedom?
Jealousy?
Envy?
Grudge?
Disgust?
Pain?
Porn?
Charity?
Oh, Mrs. Stevens, that's the most sensational display of acting I've ever seen.
You passed your audition with flying colors.
900%.
She didn't get 900.
Neither did I.
Oh, Mrs. Stevens, congratulations.
A day to be remembered.
Oh, Mrs. Stevens, you're so talented.
Your husband will be so pleased.
Sit right down.
Can you imagine?
Never saw it, never saw it before.
Now, Mrs. Stevens, we're going to tell you what we're going to do for you.
We are going to give you one week of expert instruction.
At the end of that time, you're going to get a screen test with a major studio.
Oh, Mr. Trenwick, a screen test.
There's going to be a few minor expenses involved in this test, a few tips here and there, but you won't mind that.
Of course not, after all.
What's a few minor tips?
Absolutely, because what is $500, considering what you're going to get for it?
Of course not.
After all, what's $500?
Yes, and remember, you're going to sign a million-dollar contract.
That's right.
Take it out of my million dollars.
No, no, Mrs. Stevens.
I don't think we'd like to have a thing like that happen.
Everything you make, you keep.
Where am I going to get $500?
How about your husband?
My husband?
Well, what wife can get $500 from her husband?
Don't you have girlfriends?
You could borrow it from them.
Borrow?
Oh, yes, that's an idea.
I could borrow it from the girls and...
Oh, but I think I'm going to have an awfully tough time trying to talk him into it.
What, a great actress like you?
Harry.
Why, it would be a cinch for you.
I tell you what, why don't you try it on us right now, huh?
Go ahead.
Girls, I am devoted and loyal friend in dire need of $500.
Could you, could you find it in your hearts to lend me the money?
Could you?
How could we recuse her, Agnes?
I know I couldn't, Myrtle.
We'd give you the money ourselves if we had our handbags here.
In a minute.
Oh, I can't wait to ask the girls.
I didn't know it was going to be this easy.
And girls, you must keep in mind the good neighbor policy because,
after all, you know a friend in deed is a friend in need and...
Could you, would you, could you find it in your hearts to lend me the money?
Oh, no.
Hello, lover. I...
Oh, oh, oh.
Joan, Joan.
The doctor, dearie, just left.
I have to have an operation.
What?
I have to have my left tonsil removed.
$500.
Cash or check, either one will do.
$500?
Joan, $500 for a tonsillectomy.
It couldn't possibly be more than $150.
Oh, a positive?
Positive.
But what if I have complications, dear?
What kind of complications?
$500 worth.
Cash or check, either one will do.
Well, that's a lot of complications for just one little tonsil.
Yes, dear, but you see, this tonsil is so infected that it's running into my throat,
and it's running into my eye, and running into my hand, see that?
And it's running into my leg, and knee, and my ankle bone, and it's running, dear.
Running?
It's running into about $500.
Cash or check, either one will do, see.
Joan, why don't you admit what you really want the money for?
Because you wouldn't give it to me if I admitted it.
Oh, darn you, Brad, you're so smart.
Joan, how do you know I wouldn't give you the money if you really told me what you wanted it for?
I can just hear what you'd say if I came up to you and I said,
Brad, give me $500 for my acting career.
I'd simply say, here it is.
Brad!
Mr. Spencer was called to be on stage ready to make up for one o'clock, sir.
Uh, honey, honey, can I help you?
Oh, I'm looking for Mr. Montaigne.
Right here.
Mr. Montaigne, Mr. Treadwick told me to get right over here.
Never mind explanations.
Get into that dressing room over there and get your costume on.
This delay has cost us $1,000 already.
Oh, well, just take it out of my first week's salary.
George, are you sure this is the right outfit?
Imagine, they shot a leopard just for this.
Okay, let's get on with the scene.
Let's see, Miss, uh, Miss, uh...
I'm Joanne Latour.
Uh, I'd like you to meet our star.
Would you mind stepping over here for a moment, please?
Oh, not to.
Yeah, right this way.
Bonzo, Bonzo, this is Miss Latour.
Miss Latour, this is Bonzo, our star.
Now, remember, you have never seen a man before
because you were lost in the jungle as a child and raised by the animals.
But a plane crashes in the jungle,
and the injured pilot lies hurt and tired over there.
Now, you and Bonzo are taking your morning call at the airport.
You haven't even seen him.
The first man you have ever seen.
Got it?
Well, I hope so.
I'm a little nervous.
Oh.
Now, well, let's rehearse it once, shall we?
Uh, Bonzo, you and Miss Latour will enter from over there.
Traces, everyone.
Come on, Bonzo.
I'm ready for you now, please.
Right down here, please.
Feet up.
Come on.
Right on the set, please.
Settle down, everybody.
Let's go. Action, action.
Come on.
Frolick in, frolic in.
Frolick along with Bonzo.
You clumsy idiot.
You've been on star foot.
Are you all right, sir?
I'm sorry, Bonzo.
I didn't mean it.
I tripped.
You're in the jungle.
You're not on your way to grammar school.
You're happy.
You're carefree.
Oh, is that what you say, Bonzo?
Fine.
You do it.
Thanks very much, old man.
Okay, Mr. Cooley, you try it.
All right.
Come on, frolic in.
Frolick the way Bonzo showed you.
Come on, frolic along.
Action.
Oh, no, no.
What's the matter with you anyway?
I meant in the mood like Bonzo.
Oh, in the mood.
Bonzo's calling you huge and he wants to quit.
Quit?
But why?
He says she's stealing his act.
Oh, my God.
Bonzo, I'm awfully sorry.
Please, I don't know how to react.
Bonzo, would you give Miss Latour just one more chance, sir?
Please, Bonzo, Bonzo, thank you very much.
For a minute I thought I was fired.
Thank you very much.
You're awfully sweet.
Okay.
Okay, now we'll try the part where you see the injured, unconscious pilot.
Remember, it's the first time you've ever seen a man.
Yes.
Got it?
Yeah.
Let's go.
I won't do it anymore.
I'm out.
Makeup all right?
All right.
Settle down, everybody, will you?
Quiet on the set.
Action.
No, no, no, no.
You're a beautiful young woman.
He's a beautiful young man.
The first you've ever seen.
You're wonderstruck.
In love at first sight.
Don't you understand?
You want to show him?
Good.
That's it.
That's exactly it.
Now look, can you please try and do what Bonzo did?
That's fine.
Come on, Bonzo.
Come on.
What an actor.
Okay, action.
Now we'll try the part where you and Bonzo are both very sad because the pilot appears to be dead.
But then he moves.
He's alive.
You and Bonzo are so happy that you both begin to dance with joy.
Now do you think you can do a simple little thing like that?
I hope so.
I'll try.
Action.
You walk in.
You suddenly.
He's alive.
You're both very happy.
You get to your feet.
You begin to dance.
Dance with joy.
That's right.
Faster, faster, faster.
Faster.
Faster!
Faster.
Alive with a joyful dance.
Come on, dance faster.
I'm going to get you.
More, more. Turn around.
Turn around.
Wait a minute. You knew this all the time and you just let me make a fool out of myself?
Well, when the real devil showed up, they threw me out of the place. And now if you think that I'm going to testify, but...
But, but, Johnny, Johnny, the two con men made a fool out of you. I didn't.
Don't you see, dear, if you don't testify, they'll go on making fools out of other women.
But you're just wasting your breath. I won't do it. Besides, look what happened to my acting career.
Your acting... acting, dear? That's it. Honey, honey, that's just the point.
Instead of making you appear as a sucker, dear, we'll present you as an undercover agent from the district attorney's office.
A female private eye whose beauty and brains captured those two crooks.
Yeah?
This is a real part for you to play. Johnny, can't you just see it?
There you are in the center of a tense courtroom. All the eyes are on you.
The jury, the audience, the reporters, all waiting for you to get up and present your evidence.
This is real drama.
Will Jones-Stevens, alias Operator X-7, please make a report.
Well, here's how it was.
Here's how it was. According to the DA's instructions, I was staked out at this pill-rolling employment at 5th and Main.
I have real cagey. These two sharpies moved in. Sized me up, sized them up.
I know they got me outnumbered, but I don't move.
One false move and I'm in a block of cement at the bottom of the ocean.
I know I gotta use brains and beauty to capture these crooks.
So let them take me in.
I went for the five hundred thousand dollars.
Never know where the breakage goes.
Who reaches on and denies that's what I gotta do.